Hello world. So here I am, home alone listening to Death Cab's Transatlanticism and blogging on a lonely Friday late afternoon even though I'm supposed to be at a Math refresher course which is meant for people like me who suck at math. Nowadays, I find myself blogging only when I'm feeling pensive and quite sad, so thank you my blog, for being around for the past 7 years, tracking my thoughts and experiences as I grow up from an angsty immature young teenager to an angsty, maybe more emo yet slightly more mature young adult.

Last Saturday, my childhood effectively ended after watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 with Enemy. 11 amazing years spent reading and watching Harry Potter, anticipating the arrival of new books or movies each year (sometimes 2), buying Harry Potter toys and playing them (my mum even bribed me to take Higher Chinese in P5 by promising to buy me all 7 of those Harry Potter trivia games they used to have but stopped producing after the Chamber of Secrets one so obviously this bribe never worked out and I quit Higher Chinese after P5 anyway), reading each and every Harry Potter book year after year until Secondary School started and life became busier. Years spent reading and watching Harry Potter, literally growing up with Harry Potter and escaping to his magical world to avoid the shitty reality that was my life, suddenly came to an end with just a two-hour movie. I remember watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone at Lido with the sisters in 2001 and thinking about how the final book or movie would come out when I'm much, much, much older. And I am older, yes, but not old enough for Harry Potter and my childhood to freaking end!!! But ah well, I guess I must let go. The obsession I have with my childhood and past memories is quite unhealthy. Like a good friend once told me, "You live too much in your past and your future, but never in your present."

Anyway aside from Harry Potter, I find myself going through a whole shitload of emotions lately, similar to what I was going through in Sec 4, also just before the Prelims. What's up with my life and its tendency to start to fall apart just before I start the crucial hurdle towards major exams? Anyway, I'm learning more about myself everyday - my character, my behaviour, my tendencies, my ugliness. My relationships have grown both deeper and broken with different people this year, especially those in class. And I'm starting to doubt my relationships with anyone at all. I'm a selfish needy person mostly, and oftentimes I find myself being different from who I think I am. So who am I, and what am I supposed to do with my life? I have a feeling I'll never be able to settle down in one place, and my life will be full of changes as I grow older, depending on my own selfish and confusing whims. I think if I ever find love, I'll turn into a bisexual because I could never ever settle down or know what I want. I'm always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, so I don't think I could ever be happy and fully contented with my life. Sure, all I wanna study after A's is Anthropology in an overseas university, but maybe halfway through or after university, I'll decide that I wanna study arts management and bring down bands to Singapore as a career. Where do I go with my life, what do I do from here? My future, relationships with people, the rest of my life are all just one big black blur - dark and confusing and menacing.

So I find myself going through rather similar emotions as I did in Sec 4, sometimes ridiculously high and happy from random conversations with friends and early school days, sometimes ridiculously sad and depressed with interactions with people, the coming A-Levels and life in general. Yet the people involved in my life are different, and I find myself even more lost than I did in Sec 4. People in school just aren't the same anymore. The support I got from various people in IJ, some of them complete strangers, could never be matched up to by the people in AC or even within my own class of 23 people whom I absolutely loved last year. Everything's just falling apart in our class dynamics nowadays, sadly, and I don't even know how all these divisions started appearing. But perhaps more importantly, I feel myself lacking in spirituality and slowly losing my relationship with God. Sec 4 was a good year for me, spiritually. Having IJ and its masses and retreats, constantly being surrounded by Catholics, Catechism both in IJ and St Mary's, being a Catechist for a short while, getting confirmed, going through confirmation camp and even attending confirmations in other churches - I felt a lot closer to God, and that I was constantly being loved and supported. I mean I'm not some holy spiritual person but in Sec 4, there was this strange comfort in my life that I couldn't quite explain. And this year, I just feel so... empty and distant.

So it's slightly more than 2 weeks to Prelims, I've barely gotten anything done throughout the past 1 and a half years of my jc studies and I'm more unmotivated than ever. Which basically means I'm screwed. I need something, anything, to help me through the next few weeks til' after A's.

6:03 PM;